redspace: Elephant Bones

Why are all the famous martial arts stars I worshipped as a child big, fat douchebags?

I think that as children we are subconciously drawn into a perverse obsession with jerks in nice costumes. It all begins with the obligatory family trip to Disney World, where you meet ever-grinning, jolly ol' Mickey Mouse. You smell something odd when he comes to hug you. It smells rank and alcoholic, but you're so innocent and naive and at peace with the world that you decide...'it must be the smell of love. Mickey loves me'! You walk away coughing on the gentle breeze of pot, aftershave, and tobacco , but your heart is so full that this minor discomfort must be nothing short of overwhelming joy.

And from that timeless experience (that our parents keep the picture of just in case we forget), we learn to love characters more than the people inside the machinery. Or is that just me?

Chuck Norris seems to spend more time fighting gay rights and suing the people that made him relevant again than being the 'productive valuable American' archetype he professes.

Jackie Chan apparently doesn't think that the Chinese people should able to have freedom in watching films because they will become corrupted and sinful. Like, sinful enough to watch movies featuring strippers and motorcycle gangs?

And Steven Seagal. After the world realized Chuck Norris was a goateed bigot (and probable recreational seal clubber), they moved on to liberal-activist-come-destroyer-of-faces Steven Seagal. Though the man looks like he's about to crap himself everytime he stares down a bad guy, at least he's on our side. If we ever need a one man strikeforce to take down the evil oil conglomerates, at least we have Steve.